Sunday, 10 January 2016

Life as I know it!

Been there, done that!  Every time I think about trying to lose weight that is what comes to mind.  After so many times, you get to the point where your internal self says: you know it won't last, you've tried that before, why will this time be any different?, save yourself the time and energy... yada, yada, yada!  BUT then my mind says the reverse: If you don't try you'll end up being 400 lbs, this time will be different because.... My crazy self goes back and forth and I am at a point in my life where I do not know what will happen or what will work.  Sometimes I just feel like giving up... allowing myself to simply watch Netflix all day, eat Peanut Butter all day, not this natural crappy stuff I have been forcing myself to eat for years, but the kind I can lick right off the spoon.  I wonder what it feels like to let go of all the worry and not to think about EVERY little thing before you do it?

I've got friends, neighbours, colleagues and from my viewpoint their life looks perfect.  I mean if I didn't have to worry about my weight - I don't think I would have any problems, well not real problems anyways.  But since I do have friends I know this is not true - everyone has something they worry about or think about or stress about - we just all do it in different ways, about different things to different levels.  It's taken me a long time to realize, I am not the only one who lives like this.  I do however have to remind myself of that, because it is easy, REAL easy to judge everyone else and make it seem like they have it all.  I think my mind is finally starting to realize the only person stopping myself from having it all is... ME!  Now I just have to figure out how to believe in myself enough to make it happen.

That is how this blog came about.  It is my journey to self-discovery - who am I really?  What do I really want to do?  Do I really want to sit around and eat PB all day or have I convinced myself that is the only thing I am worthy of doing?  I know my mind is VERY convincing, but when I deep down try to be truthful with myself, I know I am worth it, YET there is still something stopping me from making the right choices - hence my title.  I really think life comes down to each decision you make and I often choose to make the wrong one, the easy one, the lazy one... most often the decision that will make me feel bad - now the only questions is WHY, do I do that?